Unboxing the Gray

“The world isn't split into good people and Death Eaters. We've all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That's who we really are.”

– Sirius Black, Harry Potter and the Order of Phoenix

This is one of my favorite quotes from Harry Potter series. This is a very thoughtful reflection which emphasizes that nothing in life is black or white, including the notion that a person is good or bad.

Sometimes, choosing light means pausing before we speak, or staying curious when we feel defensive. When I look at life, I don’t think that things are as black and white as they often seem especially during debates or arguments. I believe that one can be right or wrong when discussing facts; however, there is no right or wrong answer when discussing opinions and thoughts which is essentially what happens when we have an argument or debate. For instance, an argument on whether a restaurant is located on a specific street can have a right or wrong answer; but whether that restaurant is good or not is subjective depending on tastes and preferences of people.

I learned this the hard way. For a very long time, solution to any argument - as I saw it - was either right or wrong. And as is the case with most people, I always perceived my argument to be “right” because I wouldn’t argue if I thought that my opinion was wrong. Many times, I have noticed myself in situations where I have had a debate about something but after reflecting upon it with a calm mind, I realize that the other person was saying the same thing as I was, just in a different way.

The half empty, half full example that people often use to explain optimism and pessimism is a beautiful metaphor. We try to see if the glass is half full or half empty, but it doesn’t matter what side of argument you support, eventually they both mean the same thing. The only difference is an optimistic vs. pessimistic mindset. The topic of optimism is a can of worm that I will open in another blog, the point of this blog is that they both mean the same thing and there is no point arguing over it and damaging our relationships in the process. We inherit scripts about virtue but rarely pause to question who wrote them.

As Arca rightly said - “It’s very human to try to put things into boxes, and it’s hard for us to reconcile with gray areas, and yet somehow, that’s the area I find the most poetic, the juiciest.”

Relationship between people who are born and brought up in different families, different environment and with different sets of values is not easy. In fact, people brought up in the same environment and family also vary significantly. What is acceptable to me might not be acceptable to the other person and vice versa. People get blinded by their side of the argument and debate over it. Stepping into someone else’s shoe is the best way to resolve or get past conflicts or find a middle way. It is about trying to understand where the other person comes from, what their values and morals are and to accept them for who they are.

We, as human beings, have tendency to judge others in whatever they do. When we judge others, it means we expect a certain type of behavior from them and eventually leads to conflicts when the behavior is different than our expectations. Some people might surrender to your needs and change themselves. Why can’t we accept the fact that every individual is unique and has their own views and opinions? People make mistakes; they learn and grow from them, but is it justified to judge them for that mistake for the rest of their lives? Why can’t we let people be “themselves” and let them feel good about it without worrying about “Log kya kahenge (what will people think)”!

I value relationships more than anything else. I have passionate debates with people – in both personal and professional life – but that does not mean I don’t value or respect their perspective or don’t listen to them. Do I let my feelings or opinions take over, absolutely! But later, I realize it and try to mend things by putting relationships over my ego. Does this impact relationships – definitely! But life is all about learning from those mistakes and improving ourselves. With self-reflection and questioning, we can develop ourselves and nurture relationships by choosing to pause before we speak.

 

What part of yourself do you choose to act on when disagreement arises?

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The Truth Behind ‘If I Can, Anybody Can’